I'm Done Hiding: Bringing my food addiction to light.

So I've debated for a long time over writing this post. I just feel so much shame...like my friends and readers will be disappointed in me.

But I know that nothing good comes from hiding in the darkness, so I'm ready to just bite the bullet and be honest. And I need accountability and somewhere to get my feelings out.

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I have been struggling with my weight since I started having babies. After Rhett was born, I dropped about 20 pounds in two weeks and then was stuck with about 15ish extra pounds until I got pregnant with Eli when Rhett was about 5 months. Not too bad, I would tell myself. 15 pounds seemed like a super reasonable amount to lose.

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But when we found out about Eli and I being very high risk during my pregnancy, I began to eat my emotions. I couldn't be active during that pregnancy so I basically sat in my husband's recliner and ate...and ate...and ate some more.

The weird thing is, I didn't even realize what I was doing because I've never been an emotional eater before. I've always kept a pretty healthy weight and worked out a lot. So it never even occurred to me that I was self medicating with food.

After Eli was born, I suffered from post-partum depression and felt like I was in a deep pit. So the eating continued.

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After Eli was only 4 months old, I found out I was pregnant with Elliot and her pregnancy is kind of a blur to me. Ha Normally when I am first pregnant, I am super sick and can't stand food, but with Elliot I had to continually snack or I would throw up...so cue even more eating during the entire 9 months.

She is now 14 months old and I am the heaviest I have ever been (non-pregnant of course) in my life. And.I.Hate.It.

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We just got back from the beach and the 8 pounds I had lost over the past few weeks is now back on and I just feel so overwhelmed with my continual failures in the weight department. I know I am so much more than the number on the scale...I realize my identity in Christ...and I know my husband and children love me JUST the way I am.

But I don't.

I am not okay with continually climbing up in weight and feeling defeated and then eating and eating to make myself feel better. I want to be healthy...my goal here is not to be a Victoria's Secret model (I live in reality haha). My goal is to overcome my tendency to use food as a way to make me feel better when I have a hard day, or feel sad, or want to have fun, or whatever. I want to have a healthy relationship with food.

I want to actually WANT to be in pictures with my husband and kids and not gag when I see myself in them. Or to enjoy shopping for clothes and maybe even be comfortable in pants that don't have an elastic waist. ha

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I want to play with my kids and not sound like a beached whale when I try to get off the floor. I want to feel good about myself and not always fail, you know? Not in a prideful kind of way, but in a "I am an overcomer" kind of way.

So here it is....all of the nastiness inside of me that has made itself evident on my body. I've got problems and I need to make a big change. I have always been pretty transparent on here with you all, but for some reason when it comes to weight gain I just feel so embarrassed.

So here's my plan:

I will post a monthly weight loss update on the blog. I will talk about how that month went and how much I've lost. And knowing I will have to be honest will hopefully motivate me to keep working (also I started a weight loss Instagram account that I will try to post on during the month. The user name is: byebye_babyweight89)

I am going to count my calories on MyFitnessPal app (my username is courtmonst if you want to add me!).

I am signing up for Krav Maga classes for 3 times a week and I'm super excited about those. I took two free classes and I LOVED punching and kicking people. Haha Talk about a great way to relieve stress at the end of the day.

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Here are my goals:

My sweet friend Jessica is getting married in November and I am one of her bridesmaids, so I have 4 1/2 months until I get to stand beside her on her special day. I want to ENJOY that day and for my weight not to ever cross my mind.

So my first goal is to lose 30 pounds by her wedding. That gives me a little over 21 weeks to lose that...an average of 2 pounds a week.

My second goal is to weigh what I did when we got married so I will have to lose 55 pounds. That's my big goal right now.

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It seems overwhelming. It feels impossible, especially with raising three small children and running my own business. I almost feel like I can't "do all the things." But this needs to change. I am ready to be happy with my body again.

Will ya'll help me stay accountable? I could use your prayers and your kick-in-the-pants along this journey. I'm so ready for a change!