I always enjoy the new year. It just feels fresh. A new reason to start over and evaluate yourself and how to improve. However, it can also become discouraging when you're at a place in life when not a whole lot can change. Right now in my life I am up to my elbows in messes. Literal messes. My floors are always dirty. Always. My counter tops and kitchen table are always loaded with items to be kept out of little hand's reach. Piles of clean and dirty clothes fill baskets throughout my house. Stacks of books clutter my desk, waiting to be read one of these days.
I want to do something about these things, really I do. And I am trying, one pile at a time. But the reality for me right now is I'm barely consistent in showering. I'm doing good if I can keep my babies fed, clean, entertained, and greet my husband at some point in the midst of the chaos with a kiss.
When I start to feel inadequate and think I should be doing more, that I should be mastering at least something in my life, the Lord gently reminds me that this...this is what He has called me to right now.
He has called me to love my two little guys. To kiss their owies. To read them books, even when its the 6th time I've read it to them that morning. I am to be present. To be thankful. To be all in.
The messes in my life are only going to get messier, as our little girl is set to arrive in a little over 3 months. I will have three children ages two and under, and I doubt my showering routine will improve because of it.
But what I can improve this new year, is all that my heart really desires. I want to know God more. In this season of my life I need Him like I've never needed Him before. I need His strength to pry my pregnant body out of bed in the mornings, to give me patience with little tempers and hearts that are learning obedience. I need His selfless love to serve and care for my husband, who should be just as much of a priority as my children, but sadly sometimes gets neglected in the whirlwind of little people.
I. Need. Jesus.
There will come a day when these precious little babies become independent and can make their own sandwiches, change their own clothes, and even help their mother with things. The time will come for organized closets and sparkling clean floors. There will be a day when I lose all the baby weight and can fit in my jeans again.
But that day is not today. Not even this year. And I'm okay with that.
For everything there is a season, and while this season is messy, oh so messy, it is also a beautiful season. Jesus loves these messes because He is using them to refine me. To make me pliable clay in His hands.
So for me, this year is going to be one of clinging to Jesus; diving head first into His ever sufficient grace. I hope that when December rolls around and I am spending time reflecting over the year 2016, that I find I am more like Jesus then when the year began.