I have been very absent on the blog lately, mainly due to life changes such as moving, traveling and the like. But some of you may not be aware of the latest "change" that has happened in our family's life. On January 21st, my husband, sister, son and I all went for my anatomy ultrasound to find out the gender of our newest little baby on the way. We eagerly watched the screen,hoping to catch a glimpse of something that would tell us what "it" was. But I am highly unskilled in detecting anything on those things...I don't know how they do it!
But to my great delight it was soon announced that our little baby was a BOY!! I had not-so-secretly wanted another boy, so this momma was so happy! When I was 13 weeks pregnant, as I was falling asleep one night I felt the Lord strongly impress on my heart that we would be having another boy, and the name Elijah popped in my head. Now if you know anything about me, you know Bible names are not my favorite. Call me a sinner, but I blame it on my homeschool upbringing...I can't count the number of Rachel's, Abraham's, Hezekiah's and Jehosophat's I knew. Okay, so I've yet to meet a Jehosophat. Just give it time. (ha) But that name would not leave my mind. So when we found out that our little man was indeed a little man, he instantly became Elijah.
They printed off our ultrasound pictures and handed them to us. "The doctor will be in shortly to dismiss ya'll." the technician said as she headed out the door. It was then that things began to change.
She told us that my amniotic fluid looked low and that my placenta had either holes in it or pockets of fluid. She wanted to schedule another ultrasound with the high risk office upstairs the following day.
As we left, I couldn't help but cry on the way home. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong. Chris tried to comfort me and tell me it was all going to be fine, but being the natural optimist I am, (ha) I didn't believe him.
The next day, after the ultrasound, a doctor came in, pulled up a chair and put her hand on my leg. The technician grabbed a box of tissues, and sat down beside her. She began to tell me that I have what is called a partial molar pregnancy, where my placenta has a chromosomal abnormality that has most likely affected the baby. He would not make it and the risk to me in continuing to carry him put me in grave danger. The placenta would become cancerous and spread to my lungs, liver and brain.
She recommended I terminate the pregnancy. "You are our main concern." she said.
My mind reeled with all of the information, but it all came to a stop when I heard those words. I am the priority? You think the best choice is for me to kill my child?!? What about that little life I just saw moving around on that screen? What about him?
I told them that termination was not an option for me, so we needed to look at different options. She sighed, and then began to tell me that this will be extremely risky to me and that I will be monitored closely. The baby might not even make it another day, much less another week.
So with that we left the hospital and headed home; grieved, confused and heart-broken.
I was so shocked by the support we received from so many family members, friends and complete strangers when we shared the situation. We were (and are) so encouraged by all of the prayers people were praying for us.
But I was also extremely surprised to be asked by family, friends and fellow believers why I did not terminate my pregnancy. "Are you sure?" I was asked countless times. I was also told I made the "brave choice" or "I could never have made that kind of sacrifice." Itsaddened my heart, really.
I am no hero.
I didn't make a difficult decision.
I only did what I believe is right.
Here's how I knew that decision was right: I know my God. I don't mean this in a self-righteous way. But rather, because I know Him and what His heart is, I didn't hesitate when it came to making a serious decision.
Yes, I could die. But I would rather die walking in obedience to the Lord, than live in rebellion against Him.
"For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand." Psalm 139:13-18a
God is forming little Eli inside of me right now. Skillfully creating his every bone, muscle and tissue. And His thoughts towards my little son outnumber the sand! How incredible! So knowing that this is how God feels about the little life growing inside of me, made my decision not to abort him a no-brainer.
"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13
What a beautiful example I have in the life of my Savior, Jesus Christ. He gave Himself for me, and enables me to make that same sacrifice for my son. Because of Jesus' sacrificial love for me, I am able to love others like that.
"Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." Matthew 16:24-25
As a disciple of Christ, I am not living for this life anyways. This is not my home. Earth is not my goal. I am striving for the eternal. This perspective, again, made my decision a clear one.
Also, if you are reading this post and you are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, I hope hearing about the love God has for your baby will overshadow any fears you may be feeling. You can do this. You and your baby are both worth fighting for. PLEASE contact me if you need someone to listen or pray with you. You are not alone.
I hope this sheds a little light on the situation and the decision I made to keep my baby. I am not some saint that deserves praise because I made that decision. I am a human being who has been redeemed by the God of the universe, and because of Him I am able to love like Him. He deserves any and all glory that comes from this.